Dear reader,
This letter is inspired shamelessly inspired by the song, “Should I stay or should I go?” by The Clash.
Whether you are trying to make a decision on staying or leaving a job, a career path altogether, a relationship (or possibly situationship?), a friendship, a house, or whatever else requires us to contemplate our life as it is, I think this letter can offer you some insight.
My life a few years ago looked drastically different. I was just getting out of the military, owned my own health business, was in a long term relationship, and had just moved to Wilmington, NC. Now as I’m writing this, I’m currently working for a non-profit doing website design, have released music and perform as a singer-songwriter, very much single, and living in Nashville, TN. I have gotten asked both in my personal life and also through social media acquaintances, how I knew when to walk away or “change up” certain life situations. The honest truth was that some of it didn’t really feel like choice but I will get into that later.
Now this letter isn’t necessarily here to tell you to stay or leave your current situation. It’s merely here to offer up some perspective and help you tune into what is keeping you from making a decision.
The short answer that you will probably roll your eyes at:
Deep down you know what the answer is. Either fear, insecurity, and/or a low sense of worthiness is at play deterring you from making a decision.
Now the longer answer:
When going through my own life changes, I don’t think there was one instant where I didn’t feel a sense of doubt and fear while going through the transition. I also want to preface and say that although a lot of my own examples are of leaving; feeling doubt and fear while deciding to stay and work through and improve your current state is valid too.
Most of my own examples are of deciding to leave because before that, I was the type of person who would stay no matter what. My sense of pride, ability to disassociate, and fear of damaging my ego let me believe that I could handle the crappy situation. If it wasn’t working out then it was my fault and I just had to work harder. Although I admired my work ethic and determination, I started to see how it was actually driving me into a deeper whole of despair and I wasn’t honoring what I actually wanted in life. Maybe you’re the opposite where you always left when things got hard, so apply my example as you see fit.
Let’s use my health business for example. I had spent years working towards something that I would be proud of and could support me financially. I had tried many different avenues within the business: 1:1 clients, group coaching, workshops, farm to table events, cafe, podcast etc. but most of them left me still feeling like I wasn’t doing enough and also drained. Very very drained.
I remember so desperately wanting to know what my “purpose” was and clinging to the idea of my health business working out. I mean I was educated in the area, I invested plenty of time, people seemed to enjoy what I offered, I had built my identity around this, shouldn’t I just stick it out? But not matter what I did or milestone achieved, there was this near constant state of anxiety telling me that this wasn’t it. I had to hit a few rock bottoms, including my state of health completely plummeting (the irony), for me to finally see how my ego was getting in the way of what was actually best for me.
Now I’m not someone who is anti-ego, there is a time and place for it. It’s basic function is to keep us safe and also to give us a little push if we need it but in this case, my ego was terrified of me looking like a “failure” and giving up on something I had worked years on. If I walked away from this, I would have lost my sense of “purpose” aka control on my life.
Now earlier I said I didn’t really feel like I had a choice with some of my life transitions. My business being part of this. My life felt like a chaotic storm of trouble and I believe it had to get to this point of shaking me up because I refused to see the truth for so long.
I was struggling financially, my health was hanging on for dear life, I was out of a relationship, I was having some family issues, and when I looked in the mirror, I truly did not recognize who was looking back at me. I had a rock bottom moment before this that actually got me studying holistic health, so I knew what this meant, it was time to go.
This time I had no idea where that meant, considering I had spent years building a life around an identity I no longer resonated with. I don’t want to be redundant with what I write so here’s a letter I wrote on that period of transition and how I got into music: I didn’t think I could be an artist.
Looking back now I saw how fear and control were really the big factors for me and maybe you relate to that. I know this example was very much career focused but this can easily apply to relationships, home life, anything else.
Some questions if you are still feeling unclear:
When you are trying to make a decision to stay or go, do you notice any self limiting beliefs come up?
How does it feel in your body when you are thinking of staying? What about when you are leaving?
If you are thinking of staying, is it because the current situation is what’s best for you and is what you truly desire OR or is it low self worth where you don’t believe you can have better?
If you want to go, why are you hesitating? Is there a past memory that is bringing up a scenario where it didn’t work out? Is there a scenario that you can think of where it did work out?
Are you scared of things actually working out and self-sabotaging it?
Fear of embarrassment from your peers or family?
Scared of being alone or starting over?
If you’re still not sure, it’s okay. Give yourself some grace. In most cases I wasn’t sure about the decision until long after when I finally started aligning with things that were for me. Not every transition is a clean hand off, sometimes it’s sitting in the unknown grey area, taking the time to rest and uncover another layer of yourself.
I realized over these past few years that no one cares about your own life as much as you do. Therefore, you should be the one making the decisions. You can pivot, hangout for awhile if it feels good, learn what it feels like to work hard for something that is for you, and learn how it feels to walk away when something isn’t for you.
*Que the outro!
As a thank you for reading this letter, if you would like, you can submit a question here that I just might answer in a future letter. :)
That’s all I’ll say for now, until next time friends!
Love always,
Rosemary